Hello It's time for chapter 1 and 2.

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Hello It's time for chapter 1 and 2.

Post by Kingofgames319 on Mon Dec 15, 2014 12:44 am


Chapter 1 Pure Emerald

Once there was a boy, the boy had no Idea who he was or who we’re his family, so he sought to find out who his family and he set off on his journey and somewhere on the road he found a ring; this ring which seems to have been crafted out of the purest emerald ever seen on this world and that’s when he was found, found deep in the mystic forest.


Chapter 2 into the trees

Hey! Wake up sir, if you don’t you’ll be eaten alive. All of a sudden water is poured all over me and that woke me up with no problem at all. Hey! What’s the big Idea? As I’m looking up to see who the prankster was, I was shocked to see a young girl who seemed about 14 or 15 at most. I bit back my words and hurriedly looked away with shock on my face. Umm are you from Futia? She asked, Futia what is that? Oh you never heard of Futia the capital of our region which is at war with another region not too far from here? Nope, never have I heard of something like that going on I thought the world was at peace. Oh it’s far from peace sir. Oh alright then so why are we at war? Oh come on you don’t know that?! Fine I’ll tell you, but first we need to get back to my home so we’re safe. Alright where is your home? Come on this way she yelled as she started to run up the trees.
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Re: Hello It's time for chapter 1 and 2.

Post by TBC on Mon Dec 15, 2014 1:30 pm

I had to be honest with it, so I did the third one.

There's a lot to work on, but you have an okay start.  Firstly, I wouldn't call either of those chapters.  Those are paragraphs.  They don't really go together, either.   If you're going for the first part being a prologue of sorts... Flesh it out, do more with it.

For the second part, the exposition seems a bit forced.

@Kingofgames319 wrote:Oh you never heard of Futia the capital of our region which is at war with another region not too far from here?
It's just kind of thrown out there and forced on you. It sounds disjointed. When you are telling the reader a detail like this, you want them to come about the idea naturally. Or explain it in a way that sounds like it is being presented without sounding forced.  Random girls wouldn't just outright say something like that. When doing dialogue, you also need to keep in mind how people speak. Colloquialisms.


Let me take the first part and show you what I mean by fleshing it out as well.
@Kingofgames319 wrote:Once there was a boy, the boy had no Idea who he was or who we’re his family, so he sought to find out who his family and he set off on his journey and somewhere on the road he found a ring; this ring which seems to have been crafted out of the purest emerald ever seen on this world and that’s when he was found, found deep in the mystic forest.

Below is what I've written by reading what you had for Chapter 1. I took some artistic liberties and filled in my own details as well. I didn't have much to go on, so if it's not the direction you were looking for, oh well :p   But the point is still there.

@TBC wrote:"The clean summer air danced through the valley like hundreds of tiny ballerinas fluttering across a stage. The lone boy's short russet hair played with the ballerinas as he walked down the desolate dirt road. He'd been walking for days now, no real direction in mind. But he knew his destination. Garret had been alone since he was five. For 10 years, he tended to a small cottage not far from the village of Westbrook.

The townsfolk took pity on the boy and kept him clothed and fed. No one had the peace of mind to take him in, however. Garret would walk into town and mothers would steal hurried glances at him as they shuffled into their homes. The other children would snicker and run away, like there was some sort of warning sign he held that said "You shouldn't come near me".

A neighbor boy once told him that it had something to do with his family. Murmurings and gossip travel quickly in Westbrook and not even the children were safe from its wretched grasp. Garret learned he had a younger sister and an older brother. There was once a family that lived in his cottage with loving parents. But, something had happened. What? The boy couldn't say... Or wouldn't.

When he had gotten the strength, Garret decided he was going to find out what happened. Armed with simply his knapsack and a note with the words "the forest" scrawled on it, he set off on his journey. He was going to find his family."

I didn't include the section about the ring, though. I figure that would be another longer section or something like that. Plus, I'm not gonna write the whole thing :p   Anyway. I know this isn't perfect writing or anything. I literally just spilled it out as I responded. But yeah. 

With this, you can infer the boy is 15 years old. It was needed to be said. It wasn't forced on you. It also gives a reason as to why he wants to find his family, and why he was going to the forest in the first place. Get the setting in and provide and emotion and atmosphere.

If you're going to use this as any sort of guide, just be sure not to copy it :p  If you have any questions or whatever, let me know.  But yeah. So far I'd say you have a decent start Smile  From what I can see with where you're heading with the story, a warring region is a cool idea.  There's definitely some room for improvement, though.

Hope that helped!

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